Inspired by my friend Sarah at Wickentree.
Sadly to say in many ways I am a failed mother.
When Z was a few days old I lay down next to her and held her tiny hand and made a tear-filled promise that I would never spank her or physical hurt her in anyway.
There have been too many times in her life that I have gone to bed filled with regret for breaking that promise.
And there have been nights where I have lay awake filled with remorse for some other non-physical pain I caused her. For yelling at her when I should have had more patience, or for not listening to her as much as she wanted me to because I was too busy doing my own thing or too tired.
But my mothering style isn't all about breaking promises. In fact, the spanking one is the only one I have ever broken.
I would say I am a firm parent but also fun. I hope my interactions with Z don't confuse her too much. Sometimes I treat her like a little friend. We shop together, we eat at little cafes together, we read together and have some of the same favorite movies and books. I read to her every night before bed, many times I make up my own original stories. I color with her and play card games and board games and have tea parties.
But I am also there to keep her in line and teach her how to behave. Pere and I have taught to to be respectful, to have nice manners, to work hard with out complaints, and to listen and obey her parents. Most of the decisions I make regarding Z is with the idea of guiding her toward being her "best" self and having positive life experiences/lessons.
I have on many occassions been accused of being too "hard" on Z. Just as many times I have also had my same "hardness" held up as a good example of parenting. So I don't know what to think about that. Will Z rue her upbringing or be thankful for it?
I am something of a perfectionist overachiever and Z is my project. I put a lot of my energy into her. But rather than draining me, as some have cautioned against, it is exciting and interesting to me to parent and educate her. It helps that she is a smart and sweet girl.
What kind of parent am I?
I am involved. I am a thoughtful and thinking parent. I try to have her best interests at heart but sometimes I am too lazy. *wry grin* I make mistakes. I love my daughter fiercely. Fierce is a good word. Much of what I do in life I do with a fierce passion.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
7 comments:
Very honest, Cher, thanks for sharing. I don't know that any parent can make it without making a mistake and I know this is terrible, but I figure that no matter WHAT we do, when HS is grown she will figure out something that we've done wrong. I figure it is developmentally appropriate and hope that whatever it is, it won't be that big of a deal ;)
Oh Cher, your post really touched me. I made exactly the same promise to my own daughter. I clearly remember how bewildered I was, looking into her eyes and holding her tiny fragile hand, wondering how anyone could smack or otherwise hurt a child.
But I too inevitably broke my promise. I didn't want to. I had a lot of pressure from people around me - for instance, when my strong-willed dd was acting up, they would urge me angrily to just give her a spank. In the end, I did, and I will live with the regret forever. Not only because of the spanking, but because I had allowed myself to be pressured into doing something I knew was wrong for me.
Mind you, I regret even more the times I have put her in time out, for I think this is far crueller. But I know I go against the majority on that one!
I think the thing to remember is that most of us do our very best, for the best reasons, and with pure love in our hearts. You are so clearly a great mother!!!
By the way, you do so much with Z, I am green with envy! I wish I had similar opportunities in my city!
And finally (sorry to be so loquacious) thanks for the mention of my website :-) I am now going to rush off to return the favour!
I want to thank you Sucero for being a supporter of parenting. You and P have often made me feel like I am doing the right things with Z.
Also, if Z grows up to be totally disturbed you are partially to blame. ;P
Cher Mere
Hey Sarah
Thanks for sharing that. It is somehow comforting to hear that someone that I consider a good mom also broke such a promise.
I agree with you that there are worse things than spanking.
I wish I had more patience with Z. I think staying home with her is best in most ways but it does lead to me getting tired of her talking and energy level and sometimes I get cranky with her. I know I could allivate it by taking a time out from each other for a bit during the day but sometimes I overschedule us and we don't have time.
Sorry for being so loquacious on your post! :)
And thank you so much for linking to me and all the nice things you said. That made me feel really good.
Cher Mere
I wanted to respond but I had to give it some thought.
I think you are being a bit hard on yourself. Every parent makes mistakes or doesn’t respond how they think they should at all times. The article about PAT, power, attention and time is relevant. PG kids require an exorbitant amount of a parent’s mental energy and the asynchrony throws you off balance at times.
I don't spank for various reasons but mostly having to do with my own upbringing and the shame spanking causes children. If I feel my temper or my daughter's rising we go to separate areas and calm down. It works for us though I don’t think our method is necessarily the best or will work for everyone.
Like all children my child makes mistakes. She talks incessantly and doesn't always listen because she sometimes thinks she knows better. Sometimes I raise my voice but I apologize when I have calmed down. In fact, sometimes she raises her voice at me and then she apologizes.
All we can do as parents is try our best and remember they are learning and growing children. We have to try to live and explain what we hope them to become.
Elf Owl
What a great site, how do you build such a cool site, its excellent.
»
Great site loved it alot, will come back and visit again.
»
Post a Comment