When you have a child who is "special" in some way you walk a fine line. You need to be honest with the child about their abilities. They will know that they are different, whether you tell them or not, by comparing themselves to their peers. It can only help them to have a responsible loving adult explain things to them.
Many parents of gifted kids find themselves talking down their kids in front of other people. You share your kid's weaknesses, downplay their successes or even outright lie in an attempt to shield either their child or the other parent from the un=pc truth that some kids are better at some things than other kids.
But, gifted kids, like most kids, hear everything their parents say (even if they don't "listen") and eventually that kind of talk tells them that there is something "wrong" with them.
Some parents have a way about them where they can be flat out blunt about their kids and get away with it.
Others put themselves and their kids out there and find out the hard way who can accept them and their children.
Many, like me, hide a little, lie a little, share where it is safe (like the anonimity of online boards), test the waters for friends who won't take your child's abilities personally and, if their lucky, build a community of supporters.
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I am lucky to have a small community of supporters (I hope you know who you are.)
Today I was hanging out with an old friend. Her daughter M and Z were bestfriends in preschool together. M is a month younger than Z and will start kindergarten in the fall. I believe that M and her little brother are gifted but I couldn't say to what extent. Today M proudly shared with me that she is starting to read. I know what a big deal that is and I am very happy for her.
Then Z says "I am reading the third Harry Potter book. Actually it is the second time I've read it." And I cringe. She wasn't trying to brag. She just wanted to be part of the conversation and then she just wanted to more precisely qualify her statement (it's a gifted thing.)
At the end of the day I am grateful that my friend has always been so cool with Z.
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5 comments:
Just wanted to comment that I have enjoyed your blog recently...My 6 yr old is accelerated, not gifted and I have trouble finding people who understand our situation...I can only imagine how hard it can be for you.
Well you got me thinking.
We struggle with this concept a great deal and know we let our daughter down sometimes. What do I tell her about herself? Today, she told a clerk that she prefers fantasy and books for 6th to 8th graders when someone pointed her to the specials in the beginner reader section when we were browsing in the bookstore. My husband thinks it is a matter of fact. (I worry that people see this as bragging though I think she was stating a fact.) Is there a good book on this??
Hi Jen, nice too hear from you. I'll check out your blog.
Hi Elf Owl
Is there a good book on dealing with people's reactions to our kids? Not that I know of. I would love to read one.
I would say I should write one but I haven't figured out what to do yet. :)
What fantasy books is your daughter reading now? I would love to hear.
I got The Gifted Kids' Guide to Survival (ages 10 and under) from Prufrock Press. I thought it would help her think about other people's unexpected reactions to her, and know that she isn't alone. (That's the hardest part, feeling like because people react strangely to you there is something wrong with you.) There may have been something about bragging in there -- there is a section on perfectionism too. Not a perfect book, especially for homeschooled kids; I picked it up as a way to "talk" through a book to my highly introverted, private 7yo DD.
We (DH and I) have just started reading The Social and Emotional Lives of Gifted Kids (a little thin, but a start) and When Gifted Kids Don't Have All the Answers.
My perspective on this is that this kind of reading makes me feel a little less crazy and helps me ignore the little voices that say I'm being indulgent, or pushy, or whatever. When you feel more confident, it's easier to deal matter-of-factly with stuff rather than (as I usually do) feeling like a deer in the headlights.
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